Could you be 30% more like Ronald Reagan? Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Enclosed:
TOP V. WEEKEND PICKS (12/19-12/31)
2 days ago
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Charlie Crist No. 10
Dear Governor Crist,
Could you be 30% more like Ronald Reagan? Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Enclosed:
Could you be 30% more like Ronald Reagan? Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Enclosed:
Charlie Crist No. 9
04/30/08
Dear Governor Crist,
As a temporarily disabled resident of the Tampa Bay area, I am writing to you in regards to all current and future printmaking students at the University of South Florida. Recently, while working late at night in the print lab, I inflicted a deep cut against my own index finger (because of carelessness). Once the blood began to flow, I swiftly wrapped a paper towel around my finger to stop the blood. I then went looking for the first aid box (which is required in all the studio areas). As I threw the hinge off the black box and opened the door, I was surprised to find that there were no first aid supplies in the box at all! I was forced to stem the blood loss as best as I could, and drive to CVS at 3:30 in the morning to buy bandages, hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, and medical grade tape.
Although I did not lose my finger, I didn’t lose my concern for the lack of medical supplies either. I propose that you take evasive measures immediately to ensure that this kind of issue is not encountered a second time. Governor Crist, I suggest a St. Bernard trained in rescue procedure is housed in each studio area of the USF Fine Art’s Department. Mobile, fully stocked, furry, and friendly, these four-legged E.M.Ts would ensure accessible medical supplies, as well as protect the facilities when they are empty. Graduate students would be in charge of the dog’s welfare and exercise. If you need information on local St. Bernard breeders or trainers, I would be happy to assist. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Dear Governor Crist,
As a temporarily disabled resident of the Tampa Bay area, I am writing to you in regards to all current and future printmaking students at the University of South Florida. Recently, while working late at night in the print lab, I inflicted a deep cut against my own index finger (because of carelessness). Once the blood began to flow, I swiftly wrapped a paper towel around my finger to stop the blood. I then went looking for the first aid box (which is required in all the studio areas). As I threw the hinge off the black box and opened the door, I was surprised to find that there were no first aid supplies in the box at all! I was forced to stem the blood loss as best as I could, and drive to CVS at 3:30 in the morning to buy bandages, hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, and medical grade tape.
Although I did not lose my finger, I didn’t lose my concern for the lack of medical supplies either. I propose that you take evasive measures immediately to ensure that this kind of issue is not encountered a second time. Governor Crist, I suggest a St. Bernard trained in rescue procedure is housed in each studio area of the USF Fine Art’s Department. Mobile, fully stocked, furry, and friendly, these four-legged E.M.Ts would ensure accessible medical supplies, as well as protect the facilities when they are empty. Graduate students would be in charge of the dog’s welfare and exercise. If you need information on local St. Bernard breeders or trainers, I would be happy to assist. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Monday, April 28, 2008
Charlie Crist No. 8
04/28/08
Dear Governor Crist,
I fancy myself a patriotic resident of Hillsborough County. While I am not unpleased with the number of American flags adorning this great city of Tampa, I am disturbed to see them flaccid when the wind has stopped. I propose that a wiggling bar with a motor be installed through the seam at the top of every flag to permit them to flap, whether the wind blows or not. If you need help with fine-tuning the motorized portion of this project, please do not hesitate to write. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Dear Governor Crist,
I fancy myself a patriotic resident of Hillsborough County. While I am not unpleased with the number of American flags adorning this great city of Tampa, I am disturbed to see them flaccid when the wind has stopped. I propose that a wiggling bar with a motor be installed through the seam at the top of every flag to permit them to flap, whether the wind blows or not. If you need help with fine-tuning the motorized portion of this project, please do not hesitate to write. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Charlie Crist No. 7
Dear Governor Crist,
Why are gas prices so high in Hillsborough County?
Sinclerey,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Why are gas prices so high in Hillsborough County?
Sinclerey,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Charlie Crist No. 6
04/27/08
Dear Governor Crist,
As an enlightened citizen of the greater Tampa Bay area, I enjoy the ability to read. Recently, I made a startling discovery that led to a startling realization concerning certain nationwide signage. Because of your occupation and (dare I say) metropolitan lifestyle, you are familiar with most restaurants’ policies on “no smoking.” Little red and white signs litter the inside of our favorite chain eateries (including but not limited to Bennigan’s, T.G.I. Friday’s, Chili’s, etc.) reminding us that it is illegal to enjoy smoke through burning paper on the end of a filter. What you may not be aware of, Governor Crist, is what the WORDING on these signs means to the Spanish speaking community. NO SMOKING in English translates to NO TUXEDOS en Español. While many of these signs may have a Spanish translation under it’s English counterpart, the problem is only compounded. The sign now reads “NO TUXEDOS, NO SMOKING.” The message we are sending to the Spanish Speakers of America is that we don’t want them smoking and we don’t want them wearing tuxedos…. That is to say, we don’t want them to enjoy themselves or wear formal attire that will make them appear more sophisticated and affluent. This is the last message we want to send to any American, legal or not. Therefore, the wording on the “no smoking” sign should be reworded to: “Please do not inhale smoke in this or any themed restaurant.” I am confident that, if presented before Congress, lawmakers hands will barely be visible they will be writing new legislation so quickly. I trust you will take action immediately, Governor Crist.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Dear Governor Crist,
As an enlightened citizen of the greater Tampa Bay area, I enjoy the ability to read. Recently, I made a startling discovery that led to a startling realization concerning certain nationwide signage. Because of your occupation and (dare I say) metropolitan lifestyle, you are familiar with most restaurants’ policies on “no smoking.” Little red and white signs litter the inside of our favorite chain eateries (including but not limited to Bennigan’s, T.G.I. Friday’s, Chili’s, etc.) reminding us that it is illegal to enjoy smoke through burning paper on the end of a filter. What you may not be aware of, Governor Crist, is what the WORDING on these signs means to the Spanish speaking community. NO SMOKING in English translates to NO TUXEDOS en Español. While many of these signs may have a Spanish translation under it’s English counterpart, the problem is only compounded. The sign now reads “NO TUXEDOS, NO SMOKING.” The message we are sending to the Spanish Speakers of America is that we don’t want them smoking and we don’t want them wearing tuxedos…. That is to say, we don’t want them to enjoy themselves or wear formal attire that will make them appear more sophisticated and affluent. This is the last message we want to send to any American, legal or not. Therefore, the wording on the “no smoking” sign should be reworded to: “Please do not inhale smoke in this or any themed restaurant.” I am confident that, if presented before Congress, lawmakers hands will barely be visible they will be writing new legislation so quickly. I trust you will take action immediately, Governor Crist.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Attached:
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
The Effects of Salvia
I guess this video is very popular on YouTube, I have a friend or two that can appreciate it...
Friday, April 18, 2008
Charlie Crist No. 5
Dear Governor Crist,
I am writing to you today on the topic of personal security within the state of Florida. As you are very much aware, the presence of CCTV (closed circuit television) cameras have increased tenfold in the past ten years (particularly after the 9/11 debacle). In fact, it is estimated that the average city resident is photographed 300 times everywhere they go! I for one could not be happier; video surveillance not only reduces crime, it makes the average citizen feel more comfortable in their community. Who doesn’t feel at ease knowing that a high school educated security guard is watching their every step?
You can understand my surprise to learn that a sector of the community opposes these necessary security measures. After reading Michel Foucault’s “Discipline and Punish,” I was horrified to learn that a group of contemporary thinkers relate Jeremy Bentham’s “Panopticon” to modern day surveillance procedure. “The efficiency of power, its constraining force have, in a sense, passed over to the other side – to the side of its surface of application. He who is subjected to a field of visibility, and who knows it, assumes responsibility for the constraints of power; he makes them play spontaneously upon himself; he inscribes in himself the power relation which he simultaneously plays both roles; he becomes the principle of his own subjection.”
These traitors go on to insinuate that this method of keeping order may cause permanent mental anguish. In the litigious times we are living in we cannot be too cautious about labeling any such device with a warning (i.e. the surgeon general’s warning on cigarettes). I implore you, Governor Crist, to mandate a warning to be placed on all security cameras used in the great state of Florida. The warning is to read: “WARNING: According to Michel Foucault (and others) Surveillance may be hazardous to your health.” Enclosed is a mockup graphic to illustrate such a warning. This caveat will ensure legal absolution for the great people who make these fine electronic devices. If the warning is to be reworded or there is any question as to how to implement this procedure, I would be happy to form a crack-team to tackle this issue. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Enclosed:
04.18.08
I am writing to you today on the topic of personal security within the state of Florida. As you are very much aware, the presence of CCTV (closed circuit television) cameras have increased tenfold in the past ten years (particularly after the 9/11 debacle). In fact, it is estimated that the average city resident is photographed 300 times everywhere they go! I for one could not be happier; video surveillance not only reduces crime, it makes the average citizen feel more comfortable in their community. Who doesn’t feel at ease knowing that a high school educated security guard is watching their every step?
You can understand my surprise to learn that a sector of the community opposes these necessary security measures. After reading Michel Foucault’s “Discipline and Punish,” I was horrified to learn that a group of contemporary thinkers relate Jeremy Bentham’s “Panopticon” to modern day surveillance procedure. “The efficiency of power, its constraining force have, in a sense, passed over to the other side – to the side of its surface of application. He who is subjected to a field of visibility, and who knows it, assumes responsibility for the constraints of power; he makes them play spontaneously upon himself; he inscribes in himself the power relation which he simultaneously plays both roles; he becomes the principle of his own subjection.”
These traitors go on to insinuate that this method of keeping order may cause permanent mental anguish. In the litigious times we are living in we cannot be too cautious about labeling any such device with a warning (i.e. the surgeon general’s warning on cigarettes). I implore you, Governor Crist, to mandate a warning to be placed on all security cameras used in the great state of Florida. The warning is to read: “WARNING: According to Michel Foucault (and others) Surveillance may be hazardous to your health.” Enclosed is a mockup graphic to illustrate such a warning. This caveat will ensure legal absolution for the great people who make these fine electronic devices. If the warning is to be reworded or there is any question as to how to implement this procedure, I would be happy to form a crack-team to tackle this issue. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Enclosed:
04.18.08
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Awards are in!
They look nice in person, they are covered by shaped acrylic and the plate is made of brass.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Charlie Crist No. 4
This one is a bit longer...
I am also going to enclose a polaroid of a red balloon in this envelope.
Dear Governor Crist,
As an autonomous resident of the Tampa Bay area, I am writing today to call to your attention a dire situation within Hillsborough County. Several thoroughfares throughout the bay (including but not limited to: Florida Ave., Nebraska Ave., Hillsborough Ave., and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.) are host to mammoth new and used car lots. As with any respectable business, these dealerships employ over the top advertising strategies to engage passerby’s hearts and minds, seducing them into a purchasing nirvana that helps fuel our capitalist society (which we all know and love). The most popular method of automobile attention grabbing may very well be the “oversized balloon attached to a giant cord with small pennants” technique. As gorgeous as this method may be, I have personally observed (on numerous occasions) balloons freeing themselves from their safety cords and winding up deflated in a neighboring freeway. According to Britain’s own NABAS (National Balloon Association): ”a scientific survey carried out in 1989 revealed that on release a balloon will float up to a height of approximately 5 miles and then it becomes brittle and shatters into miniscule pieces falling back to earth at a rate of circa one piece every 5 square miles. Problems can arise when a balloon is not inflated properly or fully or is carrying too much weight and therefore does not reach the height at which shattering occurs. This situation causes a potential danger to wildlife and the environment.” The NABAS goes on to say that latex balloons take as long as an oak leaf to biodegrade (as long as six months, though outside sources estimate as long as five years). Be that as it may, the environmental issues involved are the least of our concerns, Governor Crist.
“What could be more insidious than the environmental dangers surrounding a surreptitious balloon release,” you may be asking yourself. By now, it may be clear as to what such a willy-nilly balloon release may actually mean – a metaphor and advertisement for Communism.
I can say with a high level of certainty that all persons operating new and used car dealerships are card-carrying Communists. The symbolism is all there; the socialist working classes (the red balloons) are constantly trying to free themselves from the oppressive nature of Capitalist society (the car dealership, the ultimate embodiment of such a system). The working classes are tethered to the Capitalist system by laws enacted by government to perpetuate such a system (represented by the balloon’s “cord with pennants”). It is only until the ferocious winds pick up (revolt/tides of political change) can the balloon (working class) truly free themselves from tyranny (the car dealership).
However, these subversive Socialists didn’t count on one thing: as the balloon rises into the air, the pressure and atmospheric conditions around the balloon will ultimately cause the latex to become brittle and burst (saying that the practice of Socialism ends in the dissolution of society, truly a positive message for Capitalism!).
This leads me to the cardinal issue, Governor Crist. For the moment, we may sleep safely knowing that these car dealer’s destructive messages are subverted by the latex balloon’s relatively low tensile strength. We must ensure that car dealership balloons are not allowed to be made to a higher standard. I implore you, Governor Crist, to bring into congress a legislative action which prohibits the use of high grade latex balloons outside of new and used car dealerships. The political climate of the United States is shaky. Should we allow these Communist messages to continue unmitigated, any number of Socialist-friendly candidates may occupy the White House. Need I remind you that Monica Lewinsky’s boyfriend’s wife is up for the presidency? I trust you will take swift and appropriate action, Governor Crist. Should there be any issue as to how to word such legislation or present it to congress; I would be more than happy to assist. Thank you.
Sincerely
Michael Reynolds
I am also going to enclose a polaroid of a red balloon in this envelope.
Dear Governor Crist,
As an autonomous resident of the Tampa Bay area, I am writing today to call to your attention a dire situation within Hillsborough County. Several thoroughfares throughout the bay (including but not limited to: Florida Ave., Nebraska Ave., Hillsborough Ave., and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.) are host to mammoth new and used car lots. As with any respectable business, these dealerships employ over the top advertising strategies to engage passerby’s hearts and minds, seducing them into a purchasing nirvana that helps fuel our capitalist society (which we all know and love). The most popular method of automobile attention grabbing may very well be the “oversized balloon attached to a giant cord with small pennants” technique. As gorgeous as this method may be, I have personally observed (on numerous occasions) balloons freeing themselves from their safety cords and winding up deflated in a neighboring freeway. According to Britain’s own NABAS (National Balloon Association): ”a scientific survey carried out in 1989 revealed that on release a balloon will float up to a height of approximately 5 miles and then it becomes brittle and shatters into miniscule pieces falling back to earth at a rate of circa one piece every 5 square miles. Problems can arise when a balloon is not inflated properly or fully or is carrying too much weight and therefore does not reach the height at which shattering occurs. This situation causes a potential danger to wildlife and the environment.” The NABAS goes on to say that latex balloons take as long as an oak leaf to biodegrade (as long as six months, though outside sources estimate as long as five years). Be that as it may, the environmental issues involved are the least of our concerns, Governor Crist.
“What could be more insidious than the environmental dangers surrounding a surreptitious balloon release,” you may be asking yourself. By now, it may be clear as to what such a willy-nilly balloon release may actually mean – a metaphor and advertisement for Communism.
I can say with a high level of certainty that all persons operating new and used car dealerships are card-carrying Communists. The symbolism is all there; the socialist working classes (the red balloons) are constantly trying to free themselves from the oppressive nature of Capitalist society (the car dealership, the ultimate embodiment of such a system). The working classes are tethered to the Capitalist system by laws enacted by government to perpetuate such a system (represented by the balloon’s “cord with pennants”). It is only until the ferocious winds pick up (revolt/tides of political change) can the balloon (working class) truly free themselves from tyranny (the car dealership).
However, these subversive Socialists didn’t count on one thing: as the balloon rises into the air, the pressure and atmospheric conditions around the balloon will ultimately cause the latex to become brittle and burst (saying that the practice of Socialism ends in the dissolution of society, truly a positive message for Capitalism!).
This leads me to the cardinal issue, Governor Crist. For the moment, we may sleep safely knowing that these car dealer’s destructive messages are subverted by the latex balloon’s relatively low tensile strength. We must ensure that car dealership balloons are not allowed to be made to a higher standard. I implore you, Governor Crist, to bring into congress a legislative action which prohibits the use of high grade latex balloons outside of new and used car dealerships. The political climate of the United States is shaky. Should we allow these Communist messages to continue unmitigated, any number of Socialist-friendly candidates may occupy the White House. Need I remind you that Monica Lewinsky’s boyfriend’s wife is up for the presidency? I trust you will take swift and appropriate action, Governor Crist. Should there be any issue as to how to word such legislation or present it to congress; I would be more than happy to assist. Thank you.
Sincerely
Michael Reynolds
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Letter to Charlie Crist No. 3 (April 5)
04-05-08
Dear Governor Crist,
As a concerned citizen living in the great state of Florida, I feel that it is my duty to bring to your attention a matter of public safety. This past Friday, I was hired to paint a small studio from top to bottom using rollers and small touch-up brushes. Being so eager and excited to begin work, I didn’t stretch prior to the painting and did not stay properly hydrated during the workday. I believe the most strenuous work was coating the high ceilings (with a roller extension) that overexerted my biceps and triceps.
Several hours after finishing for the evening, I returned home and noticed a sharp pain throughout my forearms, back and shoulders. Ignoring the pain, I guzzled several Miller High Lifes and passed out on the couch. When my girlfriend arrived home, she woke me up and got me into bed. After sleeping in bed for close to an hour, I was brought back to consciousness by a searing pain and low grade fever that I could not assuage with traditional methods (ice packs, heat, rubs, Excedrin, etc). This terrific ache could only be controlled with several hours’ worth of ice packs, icy hot, Ibuprofen, and extensive stretching exercises.
Needless to say, these unfortunate events were more than preventable. I believe that it is necessary to mandate some kind of permanent signage to be placed in homes across the state to ensure Florida citizens are made aware of proper painting procedure. The signs should read: “Painting your home without first stretching or being properly hydrated may be hazardous to your health. Be sure to stretch the biceps and triceps, neck, lower back, and calves. If you are unsure of proper stretching technique, consult a physician or personal trainer. To ensure a pleasant next day, please continue to hydrate yourself while working and stretch after painting is finished. Thank You.” While I am not yet 100% sure of the best means to produce and distribute these signs to the public, I would be delighted to organize a team to resolve these issues. Thank you for your time, Governor Crist.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Dear Governor Crist,
As a concerned citizen living in the great state of Florida, I feel that it is my duty to bring to your attention a matter of public safety. This past Friday, I was hired to paint a small studio from top to bottom using rollers and small touch-up brushes. Being so eager and excited to begin work, I didn’t stretch prior to the painting and did not stay properly hydrated during the workday. I believe the most strenuous work was coating the high ceilings (with a roller extension) that overexerted my biceps and triceps.
Several hours after finishing for the evening, I returned home and noticed a sharp pain throughout my forearms, back and shoulders. Ignoring the pain, I guzzled several Miller High Lifes and passed out on the couch. When my girlfriend arrived home, she woke me up and got me into bed. After sleeping in bed for close to an hour, I was brought back to consciousness by a searing pain and low grade fever that I could not assuage with traditional methods (ice packs, heat, rubs, Excedrin, etc). This terrific ache could only be controlled with several hours’ worth of ice packs, icy hot, Ibuprofen, and extensive stretching exercises.
Needless to say, these unfortunate events were more than preventable. I believe that it is necessary to mandate some kind of permanent signage to be placed in homes across the state to ensure Florida citizens are made aware of proper painting procedure. The signs should read: “Painting your home without first stretching or being properly hydrated may be hazardous to your health. Be sure to stretch the biceps and triceps, neck, lower back, and calves. If you are unsure of proper stretching technique, consult a physician or personal trainer. To ensure a pleasant next day, please continue to hydrate yourself while working and stretch after painting is finished. Thank You.” While I am not yet 100% sure of the best means to produce and distribute these signs to the public, I would be delighted to organize a team to resolve these issues. Thank you for your time, Governor Crist.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Letter to Charlie Crist No. 2 (April 1st)
Dear Governor Crist,
As a concerned student at the University of South Florida, I am writing to you on behalf of the undergraduate student body currently enrolled in the Bachelor of Fine Arts -- Photography program. Recently, an undergraduate student named Michelle Harrill needed access to the digital output lab to utilize the school's large format printing equipment. Sean Cheatham, the school's Photo Area Resource Manager was unable to unlock the room because of his absence (a departure to Alaska earlier in the week). When the question was posed as to whether or not there was a secondary key-holder to the aforementioned print room, Jeremy Chandler (MFA Candidate) raised his hand. As Harrill begged for entry into the sealed room, Chandler quickly dashed away her pleas with a terse (but polite) "no." Chandler further expounded upon his anti-print stance by letting Harrill know that he couldn't accept responsibility for allowing an undergraduate student into the facility unsupervised. Chandler's answer insinuated that allowing any unregulated printing may have jeopardize his standing in the department. Can you blame him for his conservative reaction?
As a conservative yourself, I'm sure you can appreciate Chandler's stance on this issue. Although the situation was resolved when professor Wendy Babcox politely asked Chandler (on Harrill's behalf) to open the locked door, I propose that the USF Fine Arts Photo-Dept. accepts a policy which permits all qualified students to utilize it's Digital Output Lab whenever necessary. The most efficient way to ensure proper payment would be to install a swipe-card system (not unlike the ones that exist on the university's vending machines). While I am unsure of how to initiate a complicated swipe system like this, I would be more than happy to head up a commission to strategize the most economical way to begin. It will only be so long before a tragedy like this repeats itself.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
As a concerned student at the University of South Florida, I am writing to you on behalf of the undergraduate student body currently enrolled in the Bachelor of Fine Arts -- Photography program. Recently, an undergraduate student named Michelle Harrill needed access to the digital output lab to utilize the school's large format printing equipment. Sean Cheatham, the school's Photo Area Resource Manager was unable to unlock the room because of his absence (a departure to Alaska earlier in the week). When the question was posed as to whether or not there was a secondary key-holder to the aforementioned print room, Jeremy Chandler (MFA Candidate) raised his hand. As Harrill begged for entry into the sealed room, Chandler quickly dashed away her pleas with a terse (but polite) "no." Chandler further expounded upon his anti-print stance by letting Harrill know that he couldn't accept responsibility for allowing an undergraduate student into the facility unsupervised. Chandler's answer insinuated that allowing any unregulated printing may have jeopardize his standing in the department. Can you blame him for his conservative reaction?
As a conservative yourself, I'm sure you can appreciate Chandler's stance on this issue. Although the situation was resolved when professor Wendy Babcox politely asked Chandler (on Harrill's behalf) to open the locked door, I propose that the USF Fine Arts Photo-Dept. accepts a policy which permits all qualified students to utilize it's Digital Output Lab whenever necessary. The most efficient way to ensure proper payment would be to install a swipe-card system (not unlike the ones that exist on the university's vending machines). While I am unsure of how to initiate a complicated swipe system like this, I would be more than happy to head up a commission to strategize the most economical way to begin. It will only be so long before a tragedy like this repeats itself.
Sincerely,
Michael Reynolds
Public Ort Sighting (Franklin St.)
the tone looks off but the lines seem to match up O.K.
(sorry about the glare)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
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