Charlie Crist No. 4

This one is a bit longer...
I am also going to enclose a polaroid of a red balloon in this envelope.

Dear Governor Crist,


As an autonomous resident of the Tampa Bay area, I am writing today to call to your attention a dire situation within Hillsborough County. Several thoroughfares throughout the bay (including but not limited to: Florida Ave., Nebraska Ave., Hillsborough Ave., and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.) are host to mammoth new and used car lots. As with any respectable business, these dealerships employ over the top advertising strategies to engage passerby’s hearts and minds, seducing them into a purchasing nirvana that helps fuel our capitalist society (which we all know and love). The most popular method of automobile attention grabbing may very well be the “oversized balloon attached to a giant cord with small pennants” technique. As gorgeous as this method may be, I have personally observed (on numerous occasions) balloons freeing themselves from their safety cords and winding up deflated in a neighboring freeway. According to Britain’s own NABAS (National Balloon Association): ”a scientific survey carried out in 1989 revealed that on release a balloon will float up to a height of approximately 5 miles and then it becomes brittle and shatters into miniscule pieces falling back to earth at a rate of circa one piece every 5 square miles. Problems can arise when a balloon is not inflated properly or fully or is carrying too much weight and therefore does not reach the height at which shattering occurs. This situation causes a potential danger to wildlife and the environment.” The NABAS goes on to say that latex balloons take as long as an oak leaf to biodegrade (as long as six months, though outside sources estimate as long as five years). Be that as it may, the environmental issues involved are the least of our concerns, Governor Crist.

“What could be more insidious than the environmental dangers surrounding a surreptitious balloon release,” you may be asking yourself. By now, it may be clear as to what such a willy-nilly balloon release may actually mean – a metaphor and advertisement for Communism.

I can say with a high level of certainty that all persons operating new and used car dealerships are card-carrying Communists. The symbolism is all there; the socialist working classes (the red balloons) are constantly trying to free themselves from the oppressive nature of Capitalist society (the car dealership, the ultimate embodiment of such a system). The working classes are tethered to the Capitalist system by laws enacted by government to perpetuate such a system (represented by the balloon’s “cord with pennants”). It is only until the ferocious winds pick up (revolt/tides of political change) can the balloon (working class) truly free themselves from tyranny (the car dealership).

However, these subversive Socialists didn’t count on one thing: as the balloon rises into the air, the pressure and atmospheric conditions around the balloon will ultimately cause the latex to become brittle and burst (saying that the practice of Socialism ends in the dissolution of society, truly a positive message for Capitalism!).

This leads me to the cardinal issue, Governor Crist. For the moment, we may sleep safely knowing that these car dealer’s destructive messages are subverted by the latex balloon’s relatively low tensile strength. We must ensure that car dealership balloons are not allowed to be made to a higher standard. I implore you, Governor Crist, to bring into congress a legislative action which prohibits the use of high grade latex balloons outside of new and used car dealerships. The political climate of the United States is shaky. Should we allow these Communist messages to continue unmitigated, any number of Socialist-friendly candidates may occupy the White House. Need I remind you that Monica Lewinsky’s boyfriend’s wife is up for the presidency? I trust you will take swift and appropriate action, Governor Crist. Should there be any issue as to how to word such legislation or present it to congress; I would be more than happy to assist. Thank you.

Sincerely



Michael Reynolds